*** Why I chose to commit to 6 months of sacred celibacy ***
I LOVE SEX
I never made a secret around this.
I studied it personally since I am 14.
All colors, all shades, all genders (almost all… there are so many these days…) all aspects – from full on BDSM to the most sacred Tantric rituals.
Alone with myself, with one and with more than one other person – parallel or all together.
And I studied it professionally since I am 26.
So why the big F should I deny myself one of the greatest sources of pleasure and fulfillment available for me?
Why should I turn my back on something I teach and preach as wonderful, healthy, uplifting, connecting, enjoyable and even sacred?
There are many reasons coming together and forming a cluster of reasons so this is my attempt to entangle it for myself and for you.
Maybe it helps you reflect on your relationship with sexuality, too.
1. I desire to deepen my spiritual practice
This is the reason why monks and nuns go into chosen celibacy for centuries.
I am not speaking about the dogmatic forced upon priests celibacy that causes harm by suppressing their sexual energy but about the freely chosen celibacy to eliminate distraction on the spiritual path.
Sexuality ALWAYS was part of my spiritual practice – even before I consciously knew about spirituality.
It connected me to the transcendental realm in a profound and reliable way since I have started to self pleasure at age 8.
Through engaging deeply with Tantra it became my main and for a good while my only spiritual practice.
These days I desire to explore other areas of spiritual practice so I gotta stop what works for me to not default back but give these other – more grounding – spiritual exercises a chance to develop.
2. I desire to feel my own energy more
Sexual energy is a powerful force. It´s a connective force. It leads to energetic entanglements with the people you share it with.
As much as this is a beautiful thing as unhealthy can it be when it gets too much.
And it got too much for me – being poly and as sexually open and unrepressed as I am…
So detoxing is a great idea at this point because
3. I desire to call in a different kind of man
My accident was an initiation into the next level me.
And as this next level me I need a next level partnership.
To get clear on what this next level partnership should be I need to be in my own energy for a while to figure this out. And I cannot figure it out when there is constant energetic, physical and emotional distraction from other men.
4. I desire to focus on myself
As mentioned above – the accident marked the start of a new phase in my life.
A new me wants to be born into existence and I gotta figure out the details.
I have a vague feeling and some ideas on what this new me will look and feel and be like but it feels very vulnerable and fragile so I gotta protect and nurture the seed that has been planted.
5. I desire to heal the last bits of my co-dependence issues
Let´s be real – we all have it still…
The fairy tale fantasies and the conditional love patterns.
The desire to safe and be saved.
The desire to be acknowledged and validated by the outside world and especially a significant other.
As much as this is normal in a way for a tribal being like us humans we should still gain consciousness around our co-dependence patterns and aim to heal as much of it as possible.
To fill our own cup so we actually have something valuable to share when we overflow instead of being in need for another being to fill us up.
This ties in with point 1 in a way because the only reliable source of unconditional, eternal love is source itself.
So to deny myself to be filled by other human beings helps me to connect deeper with source energy and being filled by god/goddess…
6. I desire to find other ways of relating with men (and women) and creating intimacy
Sex in this day and age is often so much easier to get than real, deep, heartfelt connection.
Especially as a beautiful, sexually open woman.
I often felt left hungry for a deeper level of intimacy in the past because it was easy to get sex but hard to connect deeper after the initial hunger was satisfied.
The sacred celibacy forces me to create intimacy in a different way from which I hope it will satisfy me on deeper levels.
These are the reasons I am conscious about.
And I must say even though it was an easy decision once I had clarity around my why it still feels weird to deny myself the greatest source of pleasure, my most cherished spiritual practice and the easiest way to balance and uplift myself.
It feels weird but it feels right, too. Very right.
I am still not sure how far I will take this experiment in terms of where I am drawing the line of physical contact and sexual energy.
Will I still self pleasure, have orgasms, share sensual moments, kiss, hug longer than the standard hug to say hi and bye?
At the beginning I thought I just don´t have intercourse but I feel it needs an even more dedicated distance to sharing sexual energy with others.
And if you feel you want to try it for yourself (or already doing it) please reach out and let´s support and encourage each other on this path.