*** What my accident taught me so far – Part 1 ***
My accident brought me to sit on the sideline of my life for the last few days.
I have not left my room once since Monday afternoon.
It invited me to take a look at where I am at. 7 years after my spiritual awakening.
7 years after the greatest adventure of my life began.
In fact, after my life began… Anew completely…
It brings tears to my eyes thinking back to this magical moment I found this magazine about alternative living and I realized I am not alone in my desire to live differently.
Live away from society as it is – away from people “shoulding” all over me and keeping me small – and I let them…
I remember the MAGNETIC pull that made me binge watch EVERYTHING I could find about ecovillages, permaculture, holistic living and spirituality.
7 years ago I still had what society calls “a borderline personality disorder”…
And I understood one thing in this moment:
What I have is not a “personality disorder” – it is a “adapting to normal society disorder”.
After visiting my first ecovillage and sat eye to eye and heart to heart with people who lived SO FUNDAMENTALLY DIFFERENT from normal society I knew there was NO going back for me.
I quit university, my 2 Jobs, my flat, my relationship, my everything and packed my belongings into the garage of my grandma.
I took off to my first travel.
Actually to the start of a 7 year travel that will never stop again.
Even If I lived long stretches of time in one place and even moved back to my hometown – it always felt like I am traveling.
The first year was like a dream. I was carried. I flew. I soared.
It all happened faster than my mind could travel with me so I left it behind and completely relied on my heart and intuition.
Then I crashed.
I woke up that one day in Hamburg where I just started out to be a Tantric Massage Therapist and I felt it was over.
The flight. The soaring. The being carried. I felt I have been carried to here – and now I gotta start to walk on my own two feet.
FUCK! I felt betrayed by spirit, by my guides, by the universe.
Massively let down. Insanely frustrated. In this year I thought I would never have to walk again! I could forever fly – higher and higher…
That was October 2013. It feels like a past life.
In the next years I learned to walk myself home.
I did my 2 year therapy, I lived alone for the first time and I was single for the first time ever after starting my relationship life 12 years ago.
I did and read everything I could that would help me to heal and grow into a “normal person”.
A person who is not always overreacting, not always feels threatened by the looks of other people, not always feels scared of life, not always needs to be aggressive to protect herself.
Instead a person who can love and communicate calmly and who has compassion for herself and others.
A person who is positive, uplifting, trusting and creating. A person who loves life.
I am that person now.
6 years later.
Actually it only took me 3 or 4 years to become stable in my psyche and my emotions. My last big crisis was 2015!
A powerful 7 year cycle ends – and since the beginning of this year where my life literally imploded, collapsed and fell apart I feel this is the beginning of a new cycle.
Things never just end… They always start anew…
I have some vague ideas where this next cycle leads me – more an energetic feeling instead of a clear picture.
I know it has to do with keywords like stability, grounding, self-sufficiency, balance, discipline.
All words that I frankly HATED all my life.
I was always all about ecstasy and being high. It’s so so much better to burn out than to fade away!
All these words are connected to another word in my psyche: boooooooring!!!!
If anyone can relate I would love some love here – it really sucks to feel I will start to embrace things that I avoided all my life.
And still it feels inevitable – like leaving my old life behind and burning the bridges 7 years ago.
I am nervous, insecure, feel unable, small, fragile and I feel the part of me that wants to stay in the comfort zone wanting to talk me out of it.
And yet I know I will go where I have never gone before because the me that IS truly me – the self – wants to level up and become the next version of myself.
The leader I know I can, will and have to be to fulfill my mission on this planet!
I more than everything want to say goodbye to my scarcity mindset and my not being good enough mindset – even If it is by far not as strong as it used to be it still holds me back.
And you know what? I want to do it together – with all of you who are ready to TRULY step up their inner and outer game!
To truly focus on growth, healing, magic, manifestation, life design, grounding, balance, ABUNDANCE and stability on ALL aspects of life!
Together we rise! Together we are strong! Together we can hold each other through our hardships and celebrations!
We can and we have to hold each other accountable to the life we truly want to live!
Anyone? I am starting to create some structures for us so please let me know If you are in!
See you on the other side