**** To my brothers and sisters who struggle hard these days ****
I am sorry!
Please forgive me!
I love you!
These days in this very special time on earth are tough.
Even though it mostly seems like I am having my shit together and all my ducks in a row – let me tell you from behind the scenes: I am fucking struggling in the boat next to you on the wild ocean of life.
Some days are better than others…
Some days are worse than ever…
Sometimes it feels like I finally made it and I feel all celebratory, spacious and ecstatic.
Other times it feels like I am drowning and the waves of life are washing over me.
Sometimes I feel like I really have grown into my divine feminine essence….
Other times it feels like I am the same hot mess than when I was 16…
I wanted to share this from my heart to yours. Not because I want or need your pity. Believe me, I do better without. Sympathy is not empathy…
But because I really know how it can sometimes feel for you reading about my life in paradise, traveling the world, pursuing my dreams unabashedly and growing every day.
Because I know how it sometimes feels for me reading about other peoples life where all seems to be rainbows and sunshine.
I teach sexual enlightenment and everyday ecstasy. These are high values and high goals to reach. So I sometimes feel shame that “I am not there yet”.
Not all day everyday eternal, divine ecstasy.
Who am I to teach these things when I so often feel like I am drowning.
Feeling like a fraud and feeling like a failure.
Flying so high – so so high – just to crash the next day and feel like I forgot EVERYTHING I thought I know…
These are the days when I don´t feel like posting.
Don´t feel like pretending everything is alright.
Just feel like hiding and withdrawing from the world.
I don´t want to paint a picture of myself that I cannot live up to. I want to be real. I want to be authentic. I want to be true.
True to me and true to you.
I want you to see me.
The real me.
To trust me.
To trust me when I say “I know how this feels” and “It will get better”…
It will get better. That I know for sure!
I have been up enough and I have been down enough to know this to be absolutely true.
And I know what I teach helps. Because it was way worse…
I was way worse.
My life was way worse.
My psyche and my mental health were way worse.
That is why I decided to teach these things. Not because I am always “there” – but because I have no idea where I would be now if I would not have the tools I am having.
If I would not do the practices I am doing.
If I would not have walked the path that I have walked for the last 6 years.
So I just want to celebrate us.
I wanna celebrate myself for how far I have come.
And I wanna celebrate you for the same.
Look at us! Look how far we came!
Would you have imagined to be where you are now 6 years ago?
I certainly would not!
And even if it feels like you hit rock bottom – I wanna celebrate you for making it to here.
For not taking the exit road, pulling the trigger or taking the pills to end your human experience.
I am sincerely happy I survived.
It would be a shame having missed out on all of what happened after I failed in taking the exit road when I was 16…
No, it is not always fun.
No, it is not always only rainbows and sunshine.
Not even in paradise.
We have volcano eruptions and thunderstorms and earthquakes that make the windows clink.
This life is a big fat washing machine, a roller coaster beyond compare and sometimes it seems much more than I or you can take!
I just wanted you to know that.
I am waving from the boat next to you – with a helmet and a life west – looking ridiculous – smiling brave – preparing for the next big wave to wash over me…
It will come – and we will survive!
When we do the work we will more than just survive…
And in the end we will go back home and laugh our asses off about all the drama and chaos we created for ourselves to experience an adventure beyond compare…
I am sorry
Please forgive me
I love you
From my to yours
PS: These 4 lines at the beginning and the end are the translated text of an Hawaiian peace and reconciliation ritual… Thank you my dear sister Maryke Blom for inspiring me and helping me to speak about something I long wanted to speak publicly about but didn´t know how to start…)