**** Poly Tales: “Ready” for Polyamory? #2 – My Jealousyvolution ****
In the last poly tale I spoke about my lovestyle evolution. Today I want to share how my jealousyvolution took place and why I rarely worked on the issue itself.
A little prelude to jealousy:
For me jealousy itself does not even exist. I experience it as a conglomerate of many different feelings and fears such as
→ The fear of loosing a loved one (Certainly the biggest issue for me as I lost both my parents to other partners where they abandoned me to be with them)
→ The fear of loosing the comparison game
→ The fear of not being enough
→ The fear of being less of a woman when my man desires other women
→ The fairy tale conditioning that there is a “The One” and if I am not that one I am no one
→ The conditioning that I have to satisfy all of my partners needs or I am not a good partner
→ The religious conditioning of “This is just not right”
→ The feeling of low self worth and low self esteem
Because of all my childhood wounding, trauma and the general feeling of being lost in an incomprehensible world was leading to immense jealousy issues in my adolescence.
Even though I was the one that cheated on almost all my partners before I allowed myself to become poly I was the one being crazily jealous if my partner only talked to another woman.
I was incredibly territorial and had no skills at all to cope with the immense fear that arose in these situations other than being bitchy, attack and make it perfectly clear that this man belongs to ME…
I was 22 when I engaged in my first poly relationship and my partner was on a work trip to china.
We had the agreement that we would ask each other before we do something intimate with another person.
We had so many rules and agreement to create a safe container for me to explore the concept of open relationships in relative safety but still I felt incredibly unsafe.
Still – a part of me knew that I am not made for monogamy and I need to face all my fears that stand between me and the liberation of love in which I strongly believed in – theoretically…
I will never ever forget the day I received his E-Mail asking if it would be okay for him to become sexual with this woman he will go on a date tonight.
My heart started pounding like crazy.
I read the mail over and over again.
I entered “yes” → pressed send, threw myself on the bed and cried for about an hour.
When this first rush of pain was over I felt so exhausted – but calmer and more centered.
I grabbed a pen and paper and started to deconstruct jealousy (into the parts I mentioned above).
After all I was studying psychology and knew how to do that…
This rational approach gave me relief and a sense of control.
On the next piece of paper I started a list with all the things I can do when my partner goes on a date.
How I can distract, spoil and love myself so it would not hurt as much.
The next day I received an E-Mail that this girl was a professional prostitute and nothing happened.
But I was immensely grateful for this first experience – a test for reality.
After that he never started a new attempt until we broke up.
In the years that followed I was not really confronted with a lot of jealousy because I either had a very faithful partner (for 2 years) or was solo poly.
In this time I worked a lot on my childhood wounds and traumas and got to a somewhat stable place inside of me.
Much more stable at least than before…
The next big thing that showed me that I still have a lot of work to do was the day before Nick and I started our year long travel.
We made love in our AirBnB bed and he said to me “I love you, Louise” which was the name of his beloved before me.
It felt like my heart was grabbed by an icy fist.
I was questioning EVERYTHING and for an hour was certain I would not go with this man on this travel.
I was so shocked and hurt and he was shocked and in so much shame.
It took us the first two weeks of our travel to cope with the situation and find back to trust and stability within us.
He still carried love for this woman – but he was the love of my life.
He was the man I wanted to build my home with.
I knew it after 3 days of being together with him.
So it was much much harder to cope with it as if he would just be someone…
On the travel we met a lot of beautiful goddesses. And even though Nick is a rather shy and withdrawn person I was experiencing A LOT of fear of loosing him.
So it became a habit for me to observe the feelings that arose when he spoke to a beautiful woman like I learned it in my therapy.
Just sitting in the fire.
Breathing into the pain.
This method, together with all the inner child work I have done in the last years made all the difference for me.
In this year – thanks to the tools – I learned and healed SO MUCH.
It almost feels like a form of exposure therapy.
I experienced that I am not dying even if the pain seems unbearable.
That it will go away when I sit with it long enough, breath into it and find the place within where I feel compassion for this part of me that is in fear.
This part has all the right to be in fear – but it does not have the right to run the show, take over and ruin my life.
Read the next step of my jealousyvolution and what it did to me that my partners lover reached out to me tomorrow.
Somehow these texts always turn out longer than intended… But I really desire to give you a full and comprehensive story you can apply to your own life and your own jealousyvolution if you wish.
Just saying that I learned one thing for sure:
<3 Love is the only thing that becomes more when we share it <3