**** Poly tales: “Ready” for Polyamory? #1 ****
Poly tales are like fairy tales but less cheesy and more adventurous 🙂
I feel a strong desire to take you behind the scenes of my polyamorous relationship constellation – my love tribe how I like to call it.
My love tribe does currently contain of me, my 3 male partners, my lover I am having here at the lake since about a week and the lover of my “third” partner (one, two and three refers to the time I know them already and is not to be understood hierarchically – still not sure if I want to operate with names or numbers here… Have to figure that out together with them I guess 🙂 )
I get a lot of questions about this constellation and one of the most question is of course how we handle jealousy.
I hear it ever so often that a person admires this lovestyle but does not feel “ready” for it – because of too much jealousy…
I get it, I really really do!
I am in my 10th year of poly lovestyle and I have gone through quite an evolution with it:
1.5 years of my first poly relationship wherein I had a brief secondary partnership with another girl and he had no other thing going
2 years of falling back into monogamy and cheating because I eventually loved myself more than my partner, whom I initally loved more than me – otherwise I would not have gone back into monogamy.
A short break where I “only” had a “friends with benefits”
4 months of my first “real” poly relationship with my now best friend and my ex boyfriend (see the guy above I loved initially more and then less than me)
4 years of so called “solo poly” or “relationship anarchy” where I was a fierce enemy to every definition and box you could possibly put a relationship into and viewed myself as my main relationship I had to take care of – everything and everyone else came second, or third. What a blissful time that was. I honestly did not intend to change that.
A bit over 2 years ago (August 2016) I met Nick, my first partner, who became the game changer to my “I fight love definition” approach.
We went on an almost 1 year long travel where we were super focused on each other.
We even ritually (not legally) married each other in that first year.
When we got back to Germany and I moved to Berlin and he moved to Görlitz (in July 2017) I needed a time out to digest all that happened in this year of traveling.
In February 2018 I met Gerrit and we became lovers – in July, just before I left Berlin, we “upgraded” to a more committed relationship because he felt the desire to join us on our travel to Latin and South America.
In August 2018 – so just a few month ago – I met Pung, who after 2 weeks of getting to know me and Nick decided to give up on his original plan to study arborism and instead join us to Peru to build our Ecovillage Community
With this evolution of my lovestyles went an evolution in my mental, emotional, psychological and spiritual health.
I started my first therapy after the first poly relationship crashed (2011), had my spiritual awakening in 2012 and had an intense 2 years of therapy during my solo poly time 2014-2016.
And with this evolution of my health went the evolution from jealousy to compersion.
The online wiktionary refers to comperson as followed:
- The feeling of joy one has experiencing another’s joy, such as in witnessing a toddler’s joy and feeling joy in response.
2. The feeling of joy associated with seeing a loved one love another; contrasted with jealousy.
As you can tell from my lovestyle evolution, nowhere is a relationship to be found where I had to deal with my partner having another partner.
I successfully avoided this constellation – not deliberately but it just did not happen – until now.
Because this post would get too long, read in the next poly tale about how my metamour (this term refers to another partner of my partner) reached out to me and why this was an incredibly healing experience.
I honestly think we are almost never “ready” for polyamory – and we don´t need to be to open our relationship or start exploring what is our hearts true desires.
The only thing we need to have is the WILLINGNESS to put love over fear.