**** Poly Tales: New Paradigm versus Old Paradigm Relating #2 – Relationship Anarchy ****
It took me a while to write the second part to this Poly Tale.
Both because life and other writings got in the way and because it still is a hard and sensitive topic that requires some more feeling into it than other poly related topics I evaluated quite a bit already in and for myself.
In #1 of this Poly Tale I wrote about finding Relationship Anarchy (RA) as the holy grail of new paradigm relating.
As my massive sunburn is healing and days are passing I am sitting with the idea and the concept of letting go of all concepts *haha*
At least for this relationship – or for all of them?
Can I be in one relationship concept free and in others conceptual?
So for all of you guys who thought after 10 years of loving polyamorous one would be knowing what they do let me comfort you: I think this will never happen.
And actually it is one of the things that really intrigues me about polyamory – it is a constant evolution, evaluation, growth and change.
It certainly never gets boring and stale.
As mentioned in other Poly Tales I am having my history with RA.
It was when I decided to give the status of my main partnership to myself to really focus on my healing, my vocation and my relationship to my self.
This phase lasted 4 years (2012-2016) and ended with me meeting Nick and our knowing that this is a very special bond that needs a higher status than any other relationship we might engage into with others.
It was for sure partly out of fear and falling back into the old Disney narrative of having found “The One”.
But partly it was as well what just felt right at that moment – with all our visions about community building and with the incredible insights into our past lifes and soul history that got revealed to me in our first 3 months…
Just like it felt right NOT to define and to focus on myself for the last 4 years it felt right to go back into a defined partnership then.
And it is my highest commitment to myself to follow my feelings more than any truth I might have embraced in the past.
As Gerrit and Pung found into our tribe I did not question my desire to fit these relationships into categories as well.
Gerrit starting off as a lover and transitioning into a committed relationship in July 2017 and Pung – well – actually we never did put a label on our love when we met.
But as we both felt this ancient bond and the desire build the community together and looking into the same direction for our future it felt to me like he is equally my partner as Nick is.
I would theoretically agree that hierarchy sucks – especially in love.
A mother would never ever put a hierarchy on her love for her children even if one is older than the others.
But practically the mind has a fetish for hierarchies and categories.
So I ended up feeling Nick and Pung as my main partners where Nick was higher in the hierarchy because we had more time to explore and develop our bond.
And I felt Gerrit as my secondary partner because he is not sure yet if he wants to become a permanent member of the community or will go back to Germany after some travel time together.
Exactly this idea of putting love and relationships into categories is challenged by RA.
RA is a non-conceptual idea that promotes the equality of relationships and the letting go of definitions.
A part of the RA manifesto goes like this:
“Don’t rank and compare people and relationships – cherish the individual and your connection to them. One person in your life does not need to be named primary for the relationship to be real. Each relationship is independent, and a relationship between autonomous individuals.”
In last consequence this means that the relationships to partners, lovers, flat mates, friends with and without “benefits” and our parents are equally important and should not be ranked or put into order of importance.
Where polyamory in contrast to monogamy gives people the opportunity to play with and explore different relationship modalities RA takes it even further and drops them all.
I can literally FEEL my heart and soul nodding in excitement while at the same time I HEAR the voice of my mind going crazy about the idea of dumping all it has learned about the nature of relationships in my 30 years of life on this planet.
Not to speak of the inherited values of those who came before me…
I still have no idea about the nature of change in my relationship to Pung.
If it finds through all of this to an even deeper connection, if we will go our separate ways or of it will turn into something completely different.
I am sitting in my witness consciousness and looking at all the confusion it causes in my head and heart.
On a side note: It is fascinating to experience the level of okayness that I have developed towards all the possible outcomes – even if I have my favored one – while all these different layers of thoughts and emotions are present in my system.
Honestly, I feel like a super heroine for not going badshit crazy and becoming all demanding and stuff because of the fear that my cherished dreams and desires for creating my tribe and my family seem to fall apart before we have even started…
It feels like the most wise and knowing part of me, my soul, my higher self, or whatever you wanna call it, knows that everything is in divine alignment and everything is happening according to the higher plan that my persona forgot about by inhabiting this human plane.
So here is the conclusion to my RA ruminating of the last days – at least for now:
To live RA was easy when in these 4 years where I lived it (even if some could argue it falls more under the category of solo poly) there was no one in my life I had “serious relationship feelings” for.
In my current situation it feels (almost) impossible to drop the desire to define different levels of relationship and closeness and with it different levels of reliability and commitment.
Especially in regards to the community building project.
I feel a strong desire for safety that comes from knowing where I am at with the people around me.
To free heart and mind capacity to focus on the outside journey.
I wonder if the idea behind RA is a noble one in principle where in reality this approach is not really livable – or if I just don´t fully get it yet.
When I feel deeper into it it feels like I could develop and evolve in a way that makes RA a lived reality could be possible for me in the future.
As a radical and practical dreamer and idealist it would definitely be my (non)concept of choice for relating to one another – in a world where unconditional love is a given.
But I certainly would design the ability for telepathy to come with it.
So the whole negotiating thing and the need to communicate to others about the relationship status would not be necessary anymore.
I remember this was one of the hardest parts for me in my 4 years of RA experience because the minds of the people around me were even less able to embrace this idea than my own mind.
As always I am immensely curious to hear what your take on all of this is.
If you could drop relationship definitions, if it would be even a desirable idea to you or if you prefer to keep your relationship definitions.
What are the benefits of RA or relationship definitions in your opinion?
I am looking forward to an open, diverse, compassionate and peaceful discussion!