**** Poly Tales: New Paradigm versus Old Paradigm Relating #1 – Confusion****
This is one of the most difficult texts I ever sat down to write.
And yet I have to write it.
Not for you. I don´t even know if I will publish it…
But for myself.
To reflect on all of this. To try and make sense of all of this.
It is easy for me to share about my sensual, sexual adventures, my love, my excitement, my learnings and even my downfalls – but writing about something that is existing in me only on an energetic level, unstabilized in my human plane and three dimensional words – close to impossible.
Have you ever experienced a moment when something you knew and believed in in theory started to become reality and it actually sweeps you off your feet because you realize that you where in principle thinking that this is how you feel when in reality you don´t act on it.
Like we all agree on the value of honesty but let ourselves get away with all these little lies?
Or judge people for judging people and realizing that we ourselves judge people all the time and right now in this moment as well?
This is what I experience at the moment in the area of relationships.
And I really thought I know how things are in terms of relationships – especially poly and such. But this shift of paradigm I am facing now is a bittersweet medicine to swallow.
And it has all to do with letting go.
Letting go of safety.
Of ego desires.
To make even more room for the unconditional love that we all want to feel but fail big and small to actually do so all the time…
We are only humans after all, hm?
Anyway – the new paradigm of relationships is so fundamentally different that my mind tries to cling on to what I have learned all my life about relationships like it is holding on to a cliff.
It feels like letting go of this last safe haven that is left in my definition of relationships feels like falling into the abyss.
Yet all of me knows I have to let go to experience that I can actually fly.
I knew it all my life – somewhere in the back of my heart – that I am able to fly when I let go.
But it feels like my ego is so afraid of dying. Like, really…
When this is really true then there is nothing on the outside anymore to anchor into.
I know this is a fucking long intro and by now you wonder what the big F is so effing big news in terms of relationships…
I do my best to put it into words when you promise me you do the best to open your third eye chakra and receive this message on an energetic level as well. Deal?
So the Old Paradigm Relating goes a bit like this:
You and me – we have a deal. We made that deal when we fell in love. Because we fell in love for a reason.
Comfort. Security. Appreciation. Nurturing. You name it.
But you have been a certain way that I fell in love with you. Don´t you dare to change who you are.
If you do that I will have to leave you.
After all then you are not the person I fell in love with anymore, right?
So it is legit to move on because you disappointed me.
So let´s make that deal that we will keep the parts that the other fell in love with so we can stay together and not loose the part we fell in love with.
Obviously this was not what I believed and bought into on a conscious level.
BUT experiencing a fundamental shift in one of my partners during the time we were apart made me aware that I am very well still subconsciously operate on this old paradigm agreement.
I was confused to say the least. Rather: I was shocked.
The whole time we were apart I dreamed of reuniting again and continuing the relationship in the amazing way I left it.
With all the excitement, the mutual appreciation, the adoration, the sex, the daydreams when staring into the clouds and dreaming of our future together.
Writing this I feel the sadness in my heart. The tears welling behind my eyes. The sense of loss I experienced in the last days.
He is here.
He is finally here.
And yet he is not here.
This is not the person I left behind.
This is not the person I was looking forward to to reunite. And yet he is – in a way – still the same.
The same soul to which I feel this ancient bond – connected through lifetimes.
My confusion confused him. And it hurt him.
The walls started to build around us and between us.
I do my thing. He does his thing. We sleep next to each other. That´s it…
Of course we tried to communicate about it.
But I felt it made things worse.
We were not able to reach the others heart.
Defense mechanisms all the way. So I retreated into my inner space to make sense of this all…
Yesterday my flatmates threw a spontanious “acid for breakfast” party and I felt intrigued to take a quarter. A microdose – I thought. Oh, how wrong I was…
About 3 hours in burning sunlight I was laying in the arms of my lover (not my partner – he did go to a workshop) ruminating about relationships, love, attachment, change, letting go, codependency and so on and so forth (yes, I am sunburned AF)
My conclusion was as simple as that:
“Relationships are not what they used to be, you know?
Time isn´t either.
Everything changes so quickly and so do we. Energies change. Seasons change. The whole world changes – so rapidly that one could get sick from it. There is no security.
So how do we relate to one another in this ever changing energies, mindset shifts and adjustments?
I want my partners to be my best friends.
I want my relationships to be unpolluted by the expectations that normally come with the word and the concept “relationship”.
Just because they are my partners it does not mean that they have to be or act or behave a certain way.
Of course, mutual respect is a necessity but that is the same as in a friendship.
I want to see them thriving.
I want to see them go wherever they want to go and be whoever they want to be.
Unattached to the idea of being a certain way to make me comfortable.
Why can I love a friend like this but towards my partners I have all these goddamn expectations and demands?!
It feels like I can love a friend more truly than a partner. So I will only have friends from now on.
Or even better – I will not define ANY relationship anymore – at all…
Oh wait – that is exactly how I lived before I met Nick 2.5 years ago.
He brought the concept of defined relationship and partnership back into my life.
RELATIONSHIP ANARCHY is the New Paradigm relationship!!!!!!”
For a moment in time I was convinced I found the holy grail of relating.
Oh, this sweet moment…
When I came back from the trip I was not so sure about it anymore *haha*
On the rational side and when you read it without being in my skin all of this might not sound so spectacular after all.
But inside of me it feels like everything I ever felt about relationships is turned upside down.
Just imagine you would never ever be in a classical relationship with your partner but treat him or her as a friend – how easy and how difficult life would be loving like that, right?
When I was living the relationship anarchy lifestyle I had no one in my life I had “classical relationship feelings” for.
It was easy.
It was a dream come true.
A dream of freedom and independence.
I lived that way for 4 years and I did not intend to change it.
Then I met Nick – and I jumped into a defined classical polyamorous relationship after 3 days.
It was what I needed at that time. What we both wanted and needed. And what I still feel I want with him. Or not? And with the others?! Oh, man…!
These damn Poly Tales always get a lot longer than intended.
I will continue tomorrow with #2 and my thoughts (plus a little of background info) on Relationship Anarchy…
Meanwhile let me know what your thoughts on all of this are…
Do you recognize yourself in this “one foot in the old and one foot in the new paradigm”?
Or are you happily standing on either side?
Any wise words for me?
Any way you can relate?
I want you to know that this is a sensitive topic for me so I will delete all comments which I find inappropriate.
Stay gentle – with yourself and with me. Always. Especially in relationships. They are the supreme discipline of personal and spiritual development.