**** Poly Tales: How to properly and respectfully enter into an open relationship container ****
Last Saturday there was a birthday party at the guest house I live in and the birthday girl desired to turn it into a cuddle party.
I didn´t feel like a lot of people around me so I spent the weekend with my new partner Joe in Pana.
My other partner stayed for the cuddle party that turned into a sensual play party (I did not expect anything else) and spent the night with another girl from the house.
So far so good – everybody got what they desired.
After the initial shock that I felt in my system, because it was actually the first time that he hooked up alone with someone else, I really felt genuine compersion.
He really deserves to have this experience! He supported me in my adventures so generously since 2.5 years. So if someone deserves it it is him!
I had not had contact with that girl so far.
She moved in while I was visiting Joe for a few days.
He pointed her out to me without properly introducing us. I felt a little strange.
I asked him if she actually knew who I am.
If she knew that he has a partner.
If that was clear before they entered into their adventure.
This is one of the rules that we have negotiated between us.
Transparency is a big one for me. I need to know that everybody involved makes their decision based on knowing the facts of what they enter into.
He said he is not sure. They actually did not talk much before and after. I felt even more strange…
I asked him to make sure she knows….
A few days passed and nothing happened.
I was busy with my life and I actually forgot about the whole thing.
I didn´t even see her around much. Until Thursday morning… In the arms of my partner.
He was late for having breakfast with me like we agreed on the night before when we kissed goodbye because I desired to sleep alone.
When I want to sleep alone he sleeps outside on the platform at the lake.
So I went there to remind him of the time. I only had half an hour before a full day of work started.
When I saw them laying there together I realized why he was late for having breakfast with me.
He saw me and I waved before turning around and getting back to my room.
The 30 minutes passed and I had to start my work. 3 coaching sessions in a row. He knew that I needed to be in a good headspace but he decided to ignore our appointment.
I was pissed of with him – like seriously…
When we finally had the time to speak and I could express my anger I asked him again if he had told her about our open relationship.
He had not.
I hadn´t had time to deal with that in this moment – it was the day of me moving out of the guest house and the last boat was leaving in an hour.
So we had to sadly part in a not so good way…
Today, Friday, I met her at the weekly mantra singing circle.
She was standing behind me in line for receiving our cup of cacao.
I had finally time to talk to her.
I asked her if she knew that Nick is my partner.
“Yes”, she said smiley. “I know that you are together and that you have an open relationship.”
She knew it all the time….
No idea who told her, because Nick did not, but yes, she knew it all the time….
I was shocked.
Until now I thought she didn´t know and so I did not expect her to come and talk to me about it.
But knowing that she knew it all the time and still didn´t take the initiative and the effort to talk to me changed my whole perception and view of the story.
Before I was just pissed at Nick for not communicating clearly about our open relationship structure.
But now in this moment I felt furious about the disrespect that she smiled at me and said hi whenever we met at the house like nothing happened but did not make an effort to come and talk to me.
Maybe it is just me.
Maybe I just have too high ethical standards.
Maybe I expect too much of other people.
Most likely I often expect too much of other people. Because I expect a lot from myself.
But in this moment I felt like she did shit in my garden without apology.
I felt disgusted.
I felt betrayed.
By him for not communicating clearly and ignoring our morning appointment.
And by her for the ignorance and disrespect of not taking the effort to come and talk to me.
Respect is one of my highest values in life.
In general – but when it comes to a sensitive topic like open relationships I am double and triple aware of it.
Whenever I entered another couples relationship container I made sure that everybody involved is okay with the situation and it is important to me to express my respect and that I honor the existing relationship.
A couples relationship is sacred ground for me. It is important for me to express that to the other woman.
To sit with her and have a talk.
To give her the chance to express herself and share her truth about how she feels about it.
To assure her that I am not a threat to her open relationship.
Maybe it is just me – but I feel that this is the proper way to do it.
Of course, not if it is just a hookup at a party where the other woman is not present and I don´t see the man again afterwards.
I would not call her to have that talk because it was a one time thing and probably I wouldn´t even have her contact details when I don´t intent to meet that man again.
But certainly if I would live in the same house with that woman.
If I feel the intent to be close to that man again. If I know about their polyamorous relationship container.
In other words, if I would stand in her shoes.
It would be the proper way to gently approach the other woman.
To introduce myself.
To ask her how she feels about the situation.
To give her the chance to express herself.
To assure her that I respect her and their bond.
To create sisterhood. At least as good as possible. I would try and I would do my best to embrace her as much as I embraced him.
Maybe it is just me.
But maybe it is a matter of decency and respect….
So if you ever get into a situation that you enter the open relationship container of another couple please consider respect towards the other partner to be your highest value.
Of course, it always depends on the situation how this looks in detail.
But making an effort to show that you intent no harm is always better than doing nothing.