*** Poly Tales: Breakups, loneliness and the messy process of healing ***
Nothing is like it used to be when this year started. From living polyamorous with 3 partners I find myself back to zero these days.
Having multiple partners resulting in having multiple breakups is a poly tale of a whole different kind….
Do I feel like I failed? No… I know it happened for a reason even if I don´t see it yet.
Do I feel lonely, confused and waking up at night wondering how this could have happened to me and why? Absolutely…
Media addiction and loneliness. These 2 things where always going together in my past.
Often I had too much time to fill.
Too little structure from the outside.
Too much loneliness and too much fear to face it.
So the deep dive into the online world of consumption was my anchor.
Filling up the emptiness with information.
Useful – in comparison to watching TV or movies – I keep telling myself.
Useless – when it comes to embracing the deep layers of loneliness I am distracting myself from by watching spiritual teachers talk or chat with some random people.
That was my anti-loneliness strategy since I got Internet with 13 years of age.
BUT – I can make a different choice now that I realize this pattern.
I CAN MAKE AN EMPOWERED CHOICE TO SIT DOWN AND FEEL!
To sit down and look at the demons of my past – again – even deeper!
Sit down and cry the tears of an unloved child – again – even more fully.
Allowing myself to drown. To fall. To dissolve in this ocean of tears.
Praying to the great goddess that she may catch me in my fall. That I can’t do it alone. That I can’t do it from my ego.
That I need her to fill me up and use me as her vessel. Use me as her bodily vehicle.
Praying deeply and suddenly – drowning in the ocean of her love. Drowning in the ocean of her compassion. Drowning in her!
Feeling this insane rush of unconditional love filling me up and crying some more tears of joy and bliss and being the receiver of endless blessings.
I wanted to be strong. I wanted to be brave. I wanted to go through all I have been through in the last months without fully allowing myself to feel it.
I feared it would harm me to feel fully. I was too afraid to fall back into my non-functioning state I have left behind for good in 2015.
It is my biggest fear to go back into this state of not being able to function. Loosing the last bit of societal ability I had left in my system.
Feeling fully is scary AF!
And I teach people to face these fears. To take the time and to go there – all the way.
I thought I have gone all the way already… And I have been caught by surprise by this next layer I have to feel.
I face the same resistance as when I was 16 and going through the first layer.
My life had to knock me off my feet again to melt the resistance to feel this next layer fully.
Not much is left from what there was at the beginning of this year. From having 3 partners and writing about my polyamory adventures to 4 breakups in 3.5 months and waking up at my birthday alone the first time as long as I can remember – if ever…
I have disappointed people massively and I have been disappointed in return.
And still – I stand strong. I stay brave. I stay capable of handling myself. Most of the time. Actually: distracting myself from feeling fully most of the time.
I need to swallow my own medicine. I need to do the meditations and practices that I give to others – more often and even deeper.
I need to open my heart even more. Let it break open and embrace the messy process that the way to enlightenment sometimes is.
Layer by layer by layer – for me, for you, for the collective!I teach how to reach bliss, ecstasy and pleasure states but I teach as well how to face your shit and dare to FEEL – even when it feels like drowning…
The rewards that come when we pray to be filled up by the eternal grace of the great goddess.
When we pray with true devotion in our heart and true desire to reach out and connect she will never leave us waiting for her grace!
But we all too often come from our ego when we pray.
We come because we want this and this and this – and not because we have a true desire to connect to her essence! A true desire to be her vessel and her tool.
The cry of a baby for her mother. If it stays unanswered we loose trust in the universe and trust in being cared for and protected.
To try and cry again and facing the fear of it staying unanswered again is sometimes just too much to take.
It puts us into the situation again to feel how alone we truly are and how much we are in danger when our cry will stay unanswered. It requires trust that we don’t have left over.
It requires surrendering and melting and it often only truly comes from the heart in times when life knocks us down and we have no capacity for staying in resistance to our feelings anymore.
So many enlightenment stories tell about the dark night of the soul.
They tell of moments of deep despair. A true call for god or the goddess! A heartfelt last call. A call of surrender.
This call never stays unanswered.
But to reach the point of true devotion requires either a strong choice or a deep crisis.
More often then not we choose the crisis.
I chose the crisis again – and that’s okay! It was worth it – once again.
The answer to the cry that never stays unanswered.
The creativity that flows through me in this moment.
The feeling of the fog leaving my brain and my heart and I can see and feel my connection to the infinite more clearly again!
I wish for us all to surrender to it more fully. However we get there!
To pray that source makes us its vessel and to follow the inspiration that follows this prayer. However big or small the first task may be.
Mine was to share this story with you with the intention that I may reach the deep layers of your heart.