**** Poly Tales: Happy End – My hard-won learnings from a month long trigger festival ****
Hey friends – how are you doing these days?
I know I haven´t updated you on my life and my inner and outer journey recently.
The last thing I shared was the insanity around and inside me and that my dreams, my tribe and my relationships were about to fall apart.
As that happened I needed some time-out to retreat into my inner space. I needed to center myself in my connection to source to stay sane. At least as sane as I could under the given circumstances.
To be honest things were not looking so bright here in paradise… There was a time when it seemed like my relationship status was going “back to basics” – only me and Nick…
It was a crazy situation where it seemed that everything I learned about communication did not seem to work and I found myself in thoughts and behaviors I was not at all proud of.
Shaming, blaming, finger pointing, self-righteousness, protective mechanisms, wall building, and so on and so forth.
Yes – happens to the best when the deepest of the deep core wounds are opened up again…
And my core wound is abandonment.
With my mom leaving me when I was 8 and my dad leaving me when I was 12 one of my core belief systems is that everybody will leave me eventually.
And when you are about to start building a community where you need to trust at least the core tribe to not run away when the first conflicts arise at the horizon this is an invitation for this core wound to show up – big time!
Believe me, the last 4 weeks were not fun!
But I am very happy to come to you with good news today.
The core tribe (Nick, Pung and I) passed the first crucial test and as always when you successfully master a crisis in a relationship – it made us so so much stronger and we learned so much from it.
I really wanna share my hard-won learnings with you and hope that it will serve you well in your next trigger situation – no matter if it is with a friend, at work, in a mono or in a poly relationship.
These things are universal and to most of you conscious folks not new – but we all need a little reminder every now and then, don´t we? 🙂
1. We ALL have triggers and core wounds and they will come up inevitably at some point when you go deeper with a person
Even though this is clear to me in theory – when it happens in practice we are often hit by surprise and tend to get caught up in our own hurt feelings and in being convinced that the other one(s) are acting out of meanness, insensitivity, coldness and are just there to make us miserable. Damn fuckers! 🙂
To have a huge awareness of that and a huge trust in your friends and partner(s) not hurting you on purpose can help you look beyond the apparent obvious.
2. To have a neutral third party that is able and willing to mediate and hold space is GOLD
The biggest turning point in the conflict between me and Pung was when Nick arrived and was able to talk to the both of us separately.
Because he was not involved in the triggers he was able to feel way more clearly what was going on in each of us.
And because he has such a huge heart, loves both of us and has our best interest in mind he played a huge role in opening us up for the possibility that not everything is as dramatic as it felt from our triggered position.
When we finally met to speak again with each other he held the energetic space so beautifully and transmitted so much love, compassion and kindness that we were able to reach a level of compassion and understanding that was not possible to reach before.
3. When things are spiraling down it makes no sense to continue discussing and wanting to sort things out
It needs a huge amount of awareness and inner strength to realize when a point is reached where trying to clarify things makes everything worse. It then needs some time apart so that both can come back to reason before continuing a clarifying process makes sense again.
4. Inner child work is KEY
When we are triggered it is not our grown up, rational self that is speaking but our inner children trying desperately to be heard and understood and comforted and loved.
Whatever is said in words on the surface, the conversation underneath goes somewhat like this:
“Hear me, understand me, love me, comfort me!” – “No you have to hear, understand, love and comfort me first!” – “No, you!” – “No, you!”
When we were finally able to come together and both doing our best to hear, understand, comfort and love our inner children it was suddenly VERY easy to find back to clarity.
The 3 keys in inner child work? : COMPASSION, COMPASSION, COMPASSION!
5: NEVER try to solve anything via text messages
Just don´t! It´s the stupidest thing ever! Period! 🙂
6: Find the underlaying core issue and what the conflict REALLY is about
Often the things we are fighting about is a proxy conflict and not the real deal. It is not about the folded or not folded down toilet seat (to be a little cliché here) but about respect and acknowledgement of your partners desires. Some underlaying core issue is easier to find than others but always ask yourself and each other: What are we REALLY talking about? What are our true needs and desires?
In my case it was the need to know that he will not abandon me – not that he was more introvert then when we first met.
7: We need to feel it to heal it
Relationships – and especially poly relationships – are DESIGNED to bring up our deepest shit. The more we love a person the more he or she is able to hurt us. This is because it really touches our core triggers which mostly stem from our childhood.
Acknowledge that healing goes hand in hand with feeling the pain from the time when the original wound was created.
This does not necessarily make it easier – but it helps us to realize the treasure in our pain.
And when you do your best to apply the other tips I have shared with you here it is so so worth it to go through these painful, triggering situations to receive the healing from it.
I am so grateful that I have such strong companions who are able and willing to go so so deep with me that we find each others core wounds and bring them to the surface so they can finally heal.
I feel a lot more understanding, compassionate and clear about my own as well as his core wounds and I feel a lot more trusting that we are prepared for building a strong, solid and deep community where we help each other heal and lead by example!
I really hope you gained some insights from today´s sharing and I would be very appreciative of any “well done!” virtual hugs and any kind of love you have to spare.
It was unbefuckingleavably hard – really – and still it was so so worth it!
Now it is time to integrate – apart from each other because Pung goes to Costa Rica on Tuesday while Nick and I stay in Guatemala a little longer – until we reunite again in Columbia! <3
Ps: What about you?!
How do you handle your core wounds?
What helps you when they get triggered?
What is most important for you to make your relationship work?