*** Midnight Musings about God*, transformation and the ultimate absurdity of existence ***
So intense – it all is just so intense!
I feel like I live a month in a week and a year in a month these days…
The speed of transformation is so absolutely insane that it makes me feel all the feels.
The full spectrum of human emotions.
It’s swirling around me and all I can do is doing my best to keep my center as the world around me falls apart and puts itself back together again 50 x a day.
And you know what – I wouldn’t wanna have it any other way!
I am so grateful grateful grateful to not walk this path alone.
My steps are guided by source.
My hands are guided by the great goddess.
My heart is guided by my higher self or that what people call “intuition”.
Even If not all of what I envision for my own life and the world comes true right away – I know that every single aspect is a heart and soul desire that shows me the way and points me into the right direction.
Yes, it is exhausting at times. Yes, I feel melancholy and yes, I enjoy it!
Yes, I feel lonely at times. Because ultimately I AM all alone in this.
Ultimately we are all “God*” playing hide and seek with ourselves because ultimately there is no one else there than us. Us meaning I – and other embodiments of myself – meaning you …
All-that-is is all that is… And we are all that is. The one mirror split in millions of millions of billions of pieces.
And all our individual experiences flow back into the one big consciousness of all-that-is…
We are fighting with ourselves – loving ourselves – making fun of ourselves…
There is no one else there!
But even knowing all of this consciously does not prevent me from getting lost in the story and lost in the illusion of separation again and again and again…
Getting lost and finding myself again – finding back to the ultimate, transcendental truth – and forgetting about it again in the next moment…
Falling back into the illusion of separation.
My heart is full these days.
Even though I “lost” all my partners, my relationships and even some parts of myself lately…
I truly haven’t felt this lonely in years.
And yet I find myself feeling even more full then before.
Maybe even more full then ever before…
Maybe for the first time ever I get an idea how it might feel to be full and not just temporarily filled with something that is doomed to leave me again at some point.
Being filled with source is the only thing which is not temporary. Not casual. Not volatile. Not superficial.
But constant – lasting – eternal. Always there.
It’s just a matter of turning towards it. Of opening up to receiving. Of allowing it to fill me up.
As soon as we open up to the present moment source flows into our vessel and fills us up with something so indescribably and insanely beautiful that just a tiny bit of it feels already overwhelming.
Because we are only used to the faint and superficial substitutes of the eternal love of God*.
I tried to find something or someone that would last.
A partnership, a vision, a place I could call home.
Something that would not be taken away from me again like everything else was taken away from me before.
I wanted to buy land so that no one could make me leave again like it happened before so often in my life.
I wanted to control my relationships so that they would last and make me feel safe.
But by everything that I believed to be steady, reliable and safe falling away I found the only thing I can truly place my bets on is God*.
All-that-is is always around me – and always inside me. In fact, it cannot go anywhere…
The only one that can make me loose my connection to all-that-is is me by turning away from it.
By abandoning myself.
By searching in all the wrong places for that what is already there – always was there – always will be there.
Right there within me and all around me.
I am never alone – and I am ultimately alone.
I am the nothing and I am the everything.
Joy and pain – almost the same. Both can make us cry…
*I use the word God here as a representation of the one consciousness, all-that-is, source energy, the quantum field and not in a classical religious sense.
Feel free to replace it with whatever word you feel comfortable with. I am making peace with the word God because it IS after all not her fault that humans misused his name to suppress other humans and got involved into fights about who has the cooler interpretation of it…