**** Meditation: Who am I and if so how many? ****
Here I lay. My body softly swinging in the hammock hanging in the room where my Mexico adventure started 2.5 weeks ago. It feels rather like 2.5 months – at least…
I feel them all – inside of me. Screaming, swirling, banging on the walls of my head from the inside, begging for attention, discussing with each other.
Where have we been?
What have we done?
What should we do?
Should we do anything at all?
Have we done some things right?
What is right anyway?
Am I not actually left?
There are some impulses, too.
To move, to get up, to start a ceremony, to take some plant medicine, to watch cartoons, to pray, to touch myself, to drink if only I would have some wine left…
I feel my inhabitants battling for the remote control to run the show.
There is some sense of urgency to the whole scene.
I feel my heart beating faster.
As if it would step into the anyway quite crowded conversation.
Pumping blood through my veins to finally get my body up and running.
I hear somebody crying. Or screaming? Was it inside? Or out? I am starting to loose my sense of perception – and still I am completely sober. Much to the displeasure of some of the other me.
Would it not be easier to just smoke myself back into alignment?
I feel a bit like Papa Smurf must feel when the smurfs are trying to figure out the best plan to pass the day or fight back Gargamel.
I always adored his calmness in these situations.
And now look at me! Look, universe, how far I have come!
All my inner little smurfs messing around and still – here I lay in meditation. And stillness. Unattached. Look how spiritually advanced I have become over the years!…
Ohhhh wait! What a mean trap! But noooo my little spiritual ego. Not this time. I caught you in the act. Ha!
Wait – who said that?…
And why did nobody tell me that meditation sometimes feels like witnessing the inner schizophrenia with a genuine smile of compassion.
Who am I and if so how many?
I have no idea and the more I grow and expand the more I become.
Should it bother me that it is not bothering me at all?!
We all are many. Its just a matter of inner team management…