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*** Intimacy beyond sexuality – conscious celibacy update Part 1***

*** Intimacy beyond sexuality – conscious celibacy update part 1***

3 weeks of my 6 month commitment are over… And I already notice very interesting shifts…

After I had a very intense depressive phase for about 3 days (the most intense since 2015) because my system felt I would starve it from all kinds of human contact – not just sexuality…

Then I made myself go out to Kirtan and this turned around everything…

The level of depth I was able to connect to this sacred vocal practice was one that I rarely have experienced before…

Before I was more concerned with how my voice sounds to the outside instead of deeply connecting to the prayer on the inside…

Not that I did not connect at all – but there was this constant undercurrent of having a split attention on the inside and the outside – because #attractionmanagement

The same – but even more intense – happened when I went to the drum circle after Kirtan…

I was able to dance almost completely without the undercurrent of the usual attraction management…

This was such a profound shift in perception and such a HUGE relief lifted off my shoulders…

I always was annoyed by this program running in me but I felt unable to stop it…

The next day I met a man… A man I really liked by his energy already at the occasions when we have met at events…

He found me on Facebook and we told each other that we like each other and we agreed to meet.

I think it was in the first 10 minutes that I mentioned that my current state of personal and spiritual development leads me into exploring intimacy and depth with people on a different level than sexually and that I am currently in celibacy…

He said he highly respect that and asked me what this includes – what would I enjoy experiencing… I said I still love to cuddle… So he stayed the night and held me…

This is what I was CRAVING for!

But unable to communicate to men I just met because there is still – despite all the work I have done around it – a deep rooted belief in me.

The belief that when a man gives me attention and likes me he wants sex, a relationship or both and is not interested in just BEING with me…

In silence, stillness, meditation, depth and heartfulness…

I cannot even put words around how healing this experience was…

Since then we are going out – kinda…

Not having a relationship – not having sex – but spending time loving each other and sharing our hearts and souls as vulnerable and open as we can in any given moment.

We agreed on full transparency right from the start…

THIS is what I craved for – and I felt sexuality prevented me from going there fully as it was taking up so much space in my relationships to men…

I am still in the figuring out phase of where I draw the line…

Right now – with this man – I draw it at intercourse and receiving anything inside of my vagina… But I feel I have to take it even further than that…

As well the question how many nights a week do I want to share my bed and my nights with someone…

Right now I feel like 1 or 2 nights a week is great – but again I feel I have to take it further and not share my bed for at least a month or so…

Yesterday I was at the drum circle again… I felt very happy and excited and I did connect with a lot of people – male and female… I gave a few bodywork sessions on the fire and I enjoyed the closeness I was able to create…

With 3 men I had intense conversations and always did I mention casually where I am at in my spiritual process and that this includes celibacy to explore other forms of intimacy…

I did not mention it to put up a barrier but to honor the full transparency that I desire to handle my relations with these days…

I deeply feel I am SICK AND TIRED of superficial contact – I am just so over it…

So over playing games and keeping my mask on…

Not that I did that consciously and excessively in the past – but being in celibacy revealed to me the subtle ways in which I still fall into these old deeply rooted and socially trained patterns…

This development brought up the desire to create a workshop around authentic relating and connecting, vulnerability and radical intimacy…

I told a few people about it yesterday and the resonance was very confirming…

Conclusion:

3 weeks in and it was already a very very valuable decision…

I feel how I grow even more into my authenticity and I have a clearer feeling for what I want and what I don´t want.

If a person is not ready to meet me eye to eye and heart to heart it is just not for me…

I would have said that before as well – but the reality looked different – not as radical…

Although the shifts are subtle in a way they feel enormous and huge!

Oh and I almost forgot to mention that now that I stopped looking for outside validation people come to me and give me compliments way more often than before…

And I agree – I do shine a lot brighter already!

All Love
Lucya Lalita

2019-06-21T16:41:43+00:00

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