**** How to heal from a horrifically traumatic past? ****
People I meet now hardly ever believe me how I was between age 14 and age 25. I often have to show them pictures to prove that I was a member of the Gothic and Metal scene, with bright red colored hair and my entire eyelids covered in black.
Apart from that I was
- – heavily borderline
- – incredibly aggressive
- – so jealous that I threatened one of my ex boyfriends with a pair of scissors
- – taking each and every opportunity to create drama
- – feeling threatened by almost everybody around me
- – using sex to manipulate others
- – using sex to up my self-worth
- – close to taking the exit road with age 16
- – having several panic attacks a week
- – at a point in my life where I was convinced I have used up all the tears that were mine to use during this lifetime because I was unable to cry for 6 months.
- – breaking down at least once a week under the burden of feeling the pain of my own existence and the pain of the whole world and screaming and crying from cramps in my heart and stomach
- – having absolutely no hope left that I will ever get out of this misery before I die
How the big F did I get from there to where I am now?
- – I took part in a 3.5 month borderline specific therapy program in 2011
- – I woke up to the realization of being more than this miserable past and this mechanical body to the truth of being a soul embodied in 2012
- – I started practicing Tantra and healed my sexualized Traumas
- – I made 2 years of therapy – single and group – with the best therapist on earth
- – I started creating a life on my terms – work wise, relationship wise, environment wise
- – I constantly adapted to the truth of who I am that I dis-covered and dis-covered and dis-covered more and more and more
- – I took a million hot baths
- – I took some special plant medicines
- – I had really amazing friends who believed in me when I wasn´t able to anymore
- – I read a million self-help books and put a few advises into action
And I followed the radically honest shares of people who managed to overcome similar things that I went through.
This is why I am so drawn to writing so openly about all I do and all I go through. It is a strong desire to give back. To pass on the inspiration that I once got when I needed it.
The inspiration that healing is possible.
The inspiration that healing is not a one time thing but a constant evolving.
The inspiration that we all fall back into old behavior patterns and don´t need to beat ourselves up when it happens – even if we feel shame, guilt and other uncomfortable feelings.
The inspiration that sexuality can be turned into a sacred and beautiful space even if our whole society carries a huge trauma body around sexuality.
I am the living example. I am the proof that healing is possible even after horrendous trauma, abuse and mistreatment.
You are not doomed.
We are not doomed.
We are just extraordinarily challenged.
Over the years I have come to a point where I put myself first, my healing first, my personal and spiritual development first.
I allowed myself to
- – search for and accept help
- – make unpopular decisions
- – put my own healing first
- – apply for financial support from my home country twice for longer periods of time to escape the fight for survival
- – constantly adapt and change my identity and my environment when I feel that my old shoes are too small for me now
- – follow my inner calling and my intuition unapologetic
- – take breaks when I need them
- – only work a few hours a day a few days a week
- – search and find all the answers within me
- – accept no other authority than my own inner guidance
- – trust the process
- – be gentle with myself
- – be patient
- – go where I want to go whenever I feel called to
This is called freedom – not lack of stability
This is called self love – not egoism
This is called putting my healing first – not finding excuses to not work as hard as others
I think I worked harder than most people I know.
I worked harder on my healing, my personal and spiritual development and my life creation.
I worked for these things more unabashedly than most other people
Because I had to.
Because I was never able to suppress my feelings.
Because I owe this to myself.
And all of this made me the person I am now.
Happy, joyful, creative, strong, alive, fierce, gentle, loving, smart, decisive, ecstatic, blissful and a fucking badass queen.
Even if I am feeling down, confused, mad, angry or anything else that most people avoid to feel.
Even then the baseline of my general well being is carrying me through these moments or days.
HEALING IS POSSIBLE – FOR EVERYBODY
I am here to prove it and I am here to share it.
I took all of what I learned through my own healing process – the embodied wisdom of what it means to go all the way from point A to point Z – and all of the knowledge that my different university studies (psychology, sociology, social work) and my other courses and certifications (read about them here if you are interested) offered me.
I took the best from both my own process and my teachings to become one of the deepest, most profound, most compassionate and most badass healers and coaches in the whole fucking world.
I say one of because I honor a lot of my colleagues, especially from my last coaching certification, who went through similar life paths and transformations I have gone through.
If you want to work with me on your own inner transformation, your emotional or sexual healing, your liberation or your personal and sexual empowerment and growth – hit me up or comment under this post.
Life is an amazing opportunity and the only real sin in this life is to waste it and live it for others or conditioned by others!
Here´s to you, your healing and your true, inner essence, your soul.
May the light be with you
What about you?
Did you overcome a traumatic past?
Are you on your way?
What helped you heal?