*** Happy Birthday, Lucya – an update to my crazy life ***
This year is 3.7 months old – and today I am turning 32.
What I had to face in these 3.7 months feels insane and almost unreal when I look back.
This year started with me having 3 partners and 3.7 months later I went through 4 breakups.
The relationship to my main partner is the only one that is kinda left – we turned into what it truly always was – embracing each other as the brother and sister in soul and spirit we are.
I embraced new lovers of my partners deeper than I was ever able to.
I healed a fair bit of my abandonment wound only to have it teared open deeper than ever last week again.
My partner was unable to handle and hold compassionate space for this deep retraumatized emotional state I was in – so we separated…
I moved 3 times.
Away from San Marcos to the house of my now ex-partner in Panajachel, into my own Appartment in Panajachel and back to San Marcos into my own little amazingly beautiful Casita in the middle of the jungle.
I embraced a new Project and decided to stay at Lake Atitlan and let go of the Peru vision for it.
One of the hardest decisions I had to face in my life. After all to build community in Peru was my path for the last 3 years.
I had to let go of the school again.
It turned out not to be what I signed up for. The energy behind it, at least, is not what it looked like on the outside at first… I don´t want to get involved into a project that has so much grind and negativity built into it…
My beloved soul twin brother still holds on to the Peru vision and will look for land down there… Who knows – maybe we will reunite eventually – in whatever form…
I had to embrace the almost suicide of my mother.
Her spiritual work is just not working out. She is too advanced for most people to embrace and welcome her gifts. This made her loose faith in spirit over the last 10 years up to the point where there was no power to keep going any more. Luckily her best friend convinced her to give life another chance.
I love you, Mom. Thanks for bringing me into this world!
I am glad that you are still with us – for now…
I started my first Online Course and did my first guided audio practices and my first live practice webinar session.
Things I wanted to do since a year but did not dare to do until now. I am incredibly proud for having worked on myself to overcome all that bullying bullshit from school, all the abuse, all the violence, all the voices in my head telling me that I am not good enough to do what I feel deep down that I came here for.
5 days ago I had the worst breakdown since 2 years – since I lost my child in Summer 2017.
Everything that was piling up on top of each other in the last 3.7 months erupted in one massive nervous system breakdown. My life was literally not giving me one single minute to digest in this whole year…
3 days ago I had one of my best days of my life after a Kundalini Yoga Session and 24 hours of the best Tantric sex of my life.
After freeing myself from this last, rather unhealthy relationship. After moving into my new house in the forest. After having had my first successful online group session.
In the mushroom ceremony that followed that day I realized deeply what my next step is.
I went out of body and had a look at my life from the outside.
My newest adventure is to embrace aloneness and turning it into all-one-ness on a much deeper level.
32 years of age I am now. It feels almost unreal. Time has passed so quickly and at the same time it feels I have lived many lifes in this same body already…
I feel a lot of silence is moving into me since the last breakup and breakdown.
With 16 I went to the main station at nights where no one was at home because I felt panic being alone at night.
These days – 16 years later – I thrive being alone. If it is not too long…
And I certainly prefer to be alone than in bad company.
A moral to the story? Not today…
Just keeping going.
Following my passion.
Following my vision and my mission and my inner knowing – deeper and deeper into myself.
Embracing that everything happens for a reason – even if I am not always clear on what this reason may be.
Embracing the massive and rapid shifts in myself and on the planet.
Planting new seeds.
Calling in silence and balance and relaxation and groundedness – and more of that amazing, ecstatic, mind-blowing, soul-shattering sex for sure!