*** For the woman who is dating an (sometimes) emotionally unavailable man ***
I see you.
I see your desire to be seen.
I hear you.
I hear your desire to be heard.
I feel you.
I feel your desire to connect deeper…
And I want you to hear me on this.
Please give me a minute or two of your precious time as I really want you to know this:
YOU BANGING ON THE DOORS OF HIS HEART WILL SHUT HIM DOWN EVEN MORE…
I know – it’s so counter intuitive!
When he does not want to hear you but you desperately want to be heard you have to speak louder – obviously…
And yet you made the opposite experience so many times!
Your screaming and nagging and insisting is closing him down even more…
And despite better knowing – we fall for this trap over and over again… Me also – just yesterday…
And when I am back to my senses I feel so so sorry for violating his tender heart again…
Let me tell you one thing about men:
HIS CLOSED HEART IS NOT HIS FAULT!
And definitely has he not been born this way…
Just like you have not been born a screaming and nagging fury…
Have you recently watched children on a playground?
The boys run off to momma just as often as the girls do – up to a certain age …
Up to the age where it’s still okay to be “mommas boy”
Up to the age where the conditioning of both the adult men and the peer group boys not yet got a hold of his psyche and his behavior.
Grow some balls
Are you gay or what?!
Imagine how it feels for this little sensitive boy to literally get bombarded with lingo like this…
Would you stay open-hearted?!
Would you be self-secure enough in the age of 6-16 to stand up against other men and boys calling you this?
Shaming you for your feelings. Shaming you for your tears. Shaming you for your sensitivity.
This little boy learns:
I am accepted by the others if I suppress my feelings and emotions.
If I stay a wimp I will not get picked for my sports team.
And girls like the good sports players. Actually they only like THE BEST sports players…
So initially HE CLOSED HIS HEART TO IMPRESS AND TO WIN YOU!
And now you are banging on the walls of his heart to open and you blame him and shame him for being emotionally unavailable.
And if he is you blame and shame him for not being strong and man enough…
I get it. I have been there – I am still there if my buttons get pushed too much…
So what to do?!
How can we help our man to open his heart to us?
LOVING. COMPASSIONATE. ACCEPTANCE.
1. Be aware
of the conditioning that has made him the man he is today. Remember the things I just told you about his upbringing and the pain and suffering he has been through that led to his closed heart.
deeply and slowly – again and again – until your nervous system is regulated. It’s okay to go to another room if you need to. But let him know so that the tender little boy who still lives inside of him does not feel abandoned…
3. Get your own heart to open
because often we demand him opening his heart to our closed one… This certainly feels not safe to him. Only when you go into zen mode first can he follow you there.
4. Make eye contact if he lets you
and put all your loving compassionate acceptance for him into your gaze.
5. Tell him that you see him
with the softest voice possible. No matter if he is available for eye contact or not. If you remember his conditioning and feel the compassion in your heart you do see him. Not like he is just now. But all that has led to him being how he is just now.
6. Ask him what he needs
and maybe he tells you he needs space and to be alone – when you actually know that he needs a hug. Go and give him this space. This is your opportunity to work through your own abandonment issues and fears.
I know all of this is a lot to ask from you in these moments when your inner little girl needs him to open up to you.
You want HIS loving, compassionate acceptance – and now you are the one supposed to give it to him first…
If you find yourself unable to go there directly come back to point 2.
Breathe – for as long as it takes your nervous system to ease out.
Yes, this needs training to step out of your conditioning to manipulate him with your emotions. You have been conditioned by your female role models to do that.
Acknowledge that it needs training for him as well to re-open his heart.
And he can only do it when he feels save.
And he will never feel save as long as you keep banging on the doors of his heart.
Loving compassionate acceptance – for your own inner little girl and her needs and for his inner little boy and his pain.
Love is what heals.
Love is what closes gaps.
Love is …
I see you – I see your inner little girl and her needs.
And I see the empowered, grown up, compassionate, loving and capable woman that you are now.
And this woman is able to open her heart first!