**** Blissful Solitude – How I got from scared of being alone to needing it ****
I am sitting in my new flat.
Joe has gone to San Marcos to stay for the night.
Only the humming of the fridge is paying me company.
With 16 this was the most scary thing of all. I just moved out from home and had true friends for the first time in my life.
We lived together – 4 people in 2 rooms. Almost always someone was home.
If not I went to the main station to read a book there or listen to music on my MP3 Player. At least there were other people around. Anonymous – but at least I was not fully alone.
I did that even at night in these rare cases when I was threatened to sleep alone.
With 22 I moved into my first own flat after living 7 years either in shared flats or with partners.
I had a long distance relationship and we only saw each other at weekends.
I had to learn to sleep alone. To spend my time alone. And I developed a strong social media addiction. At least not alone.
With 24 I started to meditate.
2 Minutes at first. Longer was almost impossible. At least when I was alone. In my meditation groups it was better. I could meditate for 20 minutes.
With 26 I moved away from my hometown.
It was exactly a year after my spiritual awakening.
I had a shared flat again. I loved my flatmate and I loved the room I had.
And I was very comfortable being and sleeping alone.
I was meditating not regularly but quite often and it lasted about 30 minutes. I really got the hang of it. Just laying there or sitting and observing my breath. Observing my thoughts. How silly most of them were…
With around 28 it started that I felt the NEED for being alone. Often.
Still a lot on Facebook but because I liked to be updated and in touch with my friends and not because I needed it.
Meditation lasted usually as long as I fell asleep from drifting away into my inner space.
With 29 I moved back to my hometown and started to lead meditation classes in my living room.
Next months I turn 32 and I now even pay for having my own space.
Where no one bothers me and where I have the peace and quiet to meditate.
Usually 30-60 minutes – sometimes even 2 hours.
I find comfort in my own company. I find comfort in silence.
The more I meditated the more I healed
The more I turned into an introvert.
What happened in these years between 16 and now?
I expanded my comfort zone towards being alone and I built new neuronal pathways that allowed me to meditate and enjoy my own company more.
In meditation you are actually never alone. After a while you realize that there is someone, something else present with you.
The presence of the infinite. God, source, supreme being, the quantum field. However you wanna call it.
But however you wanna call it – it is the same comforting presence. A presence that makes you realize you are never alone. And a presence that is the most blissful company.
Does not bother you with their desires. Does not annoy you with their bullshit. Does not make shitty comments about you eating pizza again instead of watching your diet.
And still – I have to get over myself to actually sit or lay down and do it.
Sometimes more, sometimes less.
Luckily I discovered a lot of different meditation styles and techniques so the part of me that constantly looks for something new does not get bored so easily.
When the recording studio is ready I will record some guided Tantric meditations for those of you who would like to know more about the Tantric way of meditation.
Alone – or with a partner.
This is one of my favorite mixes to meditate and just be – enjoy!