Loading...

*** About growing up in a world that feels overwhelming ***

*** About growing up in a world that feels overwhelming ***

I have some weird desires lately to go back to Germany and visit a Gothic festival…

Few of you probably know that this scene was my home for about 10 years (~14 – ~24)…

Yes, the picture shows me at age 19…

I loved everything about the scene.

The music, the style, the erotic atmosphere, the philosophical depth of most of the members, the peacefulness, that we drank red wine instead of beer and most of all the amazing people I had the honor to call my friends…

I felt understood – I felt taken serious – even at age 15.

I felt accepted in my weirdness and my pain and my trauma that stemmed from severe childhood abuse…

For the very first time I had friends – true friends who would actually show up for me and accept me just the way I was…

Over the last 8 years during my transitioning into the light I completely lost contact with the scene and everything that was to it…

It was not a conscious decision – it just did not resonate anymore and instead of going to goth parties I started going to meditation circles and yoga classes.

I stopped partying completely for a few years and I started to go to rainbow gatherings instead of Gothic festivals…

It feels so weird that suddenly the desire to visit a Goth festival is so apparent…

After years and years not even thinking about this “past life that I lived in the same body”

I started to listen to my old melancholic music collection again (Loreena McKennit!!!!) and there is a strange longing growing in my heart.

Digging deeper into this longing I find myself desiring the “easiness” that this life had to it…

Yes, I was mentally and psychologically very unstable to say the least (to be honest I was full on borderlining…) and yet this life had something to it that made it carefree…

I was for the most part still in school and was living with either my friends or my partners…

We hadn´t had much money but we always had enough to enjoy life together.

I wasn´t worrying or even thinking of things like taxes, conversion rates, online marketing or what I do with my life when I decide to grow up…

It was carefree in a way that I had a clear outside structure I could follow and hadn´t had much responsibility to carry on my shoulders.

I was not at all aware of the state our planet and humanity was in…

It might be a Saturn return thing that I lately feel like the process of growing up and taking more responsibility in my life has begun…

I feel the necessity to build a solid foundation for my business and my life…

No, I still don´t want kids

I feel the devastating feelings that no one ever actually taught me how to build these solid foundations.

And it feels overwhelming to figure it all out by myself…

Oh my goddess how much I HATE paperwork, tax reports, creating a savings account and all the other grown up things…

I desire to live a carefree life where I can simply do what I love doing, what I am good at and what the world really needs.

Luckily these things fall together in my life – I guess this is more than a lot of people can say about themselves…

This should give me a celebratory feeling about myself but it somehow doesn´t…

Instead it creates the feeling of “I fucking HAVE TO STEP UP as I KNOW that the world needs what I have to offer…

And all I wanna do right now I to hide from the responsibility this brings with it and go straight back into a phase of my life where I had not to deal with all this load…

Too bad that even if I would start wearing black again and go to Goth parties and festivals – it will not make me be 16 agai…

Maybe I should instead go to rainbow gatherings where I can live a similarly carefree life and hang out with what feels more like my tribe these days…

But will this take away the feelings of “I have to step up because I am needed out there”?

Nope – most likely not…

It would be running away from a responsibility I decided to carry on a soul level already before I took on this human form as Lucya…

I can run – of course I can – but I cannot hide from my Dharma…

And I don´t want to – actually – if I look past the feeling of overwhelm…

Maybe I will visit a gathering and a Goth festival in the future. For most people out there the seemingly most opposing scenes one could choose.

For me an expression of freedom from responsibility and a meme for the polarity that I desire to bring into unity

The darkness and the light – the melancholy and the optimism…

I hold both worlds in my heart and in fond memory while I continue to embrace my Dharma.

Continue my path of stepping up into my fullest, most empowered self that is ready and capable and willing to take on the responsibility that comes with greatness – in the most ease and flow way imaginable…

And again I feel: If I can do it – everyone can!

What is it that you are trying to avoid by massive distraction that would actually help you grow into the person you truly desire to be?

All Love
Lucya Lalita

2019-07-16T16:07:54+00:00

Leave A Comment